a couple weeks ago, i turned 23. i mulled over this specific number for days in my head. 23. tweeenty-three. 二十三. i felt that there was nothing particularly special about this number or age, to be honest. not quite as mature sounding as 24, not at quarter life crisis like 25. not about to begin your life like at 22, not on the cusp of youth and freedom like 21. the number 23 is incredibly insignificant to me (other than the fact that it's prime). the insignificance of it though, i've found, is quite freeing. no expectations for this year ahead, no stage of life i feel like i should be at which means: it can be nothing, it can be everything.
i’ve always thought that it's quite lucky that my birthday is rather late in the year, close to the new year. this means that i can knock out 2 birds with 1 stone here: go through my turning a year older crisis and new year existential sulking together at once, instead of twice.
this year was an amazing year:
- 4 new countries: mexico, spain, austria, slovakia
- 10 cities visited: denver, seattle, nyc, cdmx, guadalajara, madrid, barcelona, vienna, bratislava, las vegas (sf and toronto don’t count)
- 3 national parks: rocky mountains, lassen volcanic, redwoods
- waaaay too many concerts: TAY TAY!, blackpink, travis scott, sik-k, ph1, UMI, twice, zedd, outside lands (lana del rey!!!), tahoe live... it goes on truly...
- felt like i finally found good community, hobbies (skiing! granola! classpass!), and lifestyle in sf. <3
as with everything, it wasn't all good:
- didn't have much time for reading and writing. only read 9 books this year, whereas last year i read 20 and set a lofty, unaccomplished goal to read 30 this year. also clearly i didn't use this substack as much i would've liked
- felt like i was constantly, and unstoppably on "go" mode. didn't have much time to reflect and find meaning in my experiences. too much doing, not enough creating
- always a lot of things behind the scenes that i will never share publicly
- 23rd year in a row where i did not learn how to drive
while i didn't exit this spiral with Great and Profound knowledge, i do want to share 23 thoughts (i probably have way more than 23, but i figured it'd be good to have some sort of theme here) that have been bouncing around my head lately. these are not serious, just an honest attempt to try and capture what my state of mind is at this point in my life. in no particular order:
1. life is bittersweet: whenever i'm reflecting, i've noticed that i see all of life through a very bittersweet lens. no experience or relationship is purely good or bad, rather it is both, in inexplicable ways. for example, you go through a breakup, but it was for the best in the end. bittersweet. you have the most perfect trip, but it must come to an end. sweetbitter. everything in life oscillates between bitter and sweet, until the 2 become inseparable. i've been thinking about this thought for a very long time now, so i may actually end up writing an entire separate substack on this.
2. "i may be wrong, but i am not confused": something our CPO says all the time. i really like it. i think about it a lot.
3. being earnest: earnest: resulting from or showing sincere and intense conviction.
let me tell a quick anecdote here: this thought came to me when i was in las vegas a few weeks ago. the girlies were taking photos (as we do), and we made one of the guys take them for us (as we also do). we were simply not getting the results we wanted (it happens), and one of the girls screamed out "be earnest!" to the guy taking photos as he was simply not getting the angles we were describing.
the moment really stuck with me because taking photos is such a seemingly silly and insignificant thing. to be earnest about it is not something i would picture someone being in that situation. i really like being around people who put 100% effort into everything they do, with a pure and strong belief in it, especially if its even just in tiny things. i find myself flip-flopping between these 2 aspects: sometimes, i really want to be good at something, knowing i'm not really trying my hardest to get there. other times (more rarely), i find myself grinding away at something without clarity on why.
these words have been replaying over, and over again in my head lately....,,,,,
4. it never hurts to ask: i used to be someone who was so afraid to ask for things, thinking i'd inconvenience other people or receive something i don't fully deserve. this year, i've found that people are incredibly kind, and that life doesn't need to be hard or lonely. most importantly, i've reframed asking for things less as potentially bothering others/taking advantage of them, but rather being optimistic about their kindness and character.
5. i went to a comedy show and almost fell in love: i kinda figured if i'm going to spend the rest of my life with someone, it needs to be fun.
6. be optimistic: i've found myself being much more optimistic about everything recently. to assume the best outcome for problems, people, etc. until i have a super solid reason not to be. life is happier this way, you also open up your mind to possibilities that you may not have considered before.
7. songs that meant a lot to me this year:
8. you can be both kind and serious at the same time: without saying too much, my manager is an example of someone who comes off as incredibly warm and kind, yet also incredibly smart and respected. not that this implies these traits are at inherent contradiction, just something i've been thinking about lately. i admire her a lot. i'm learning a ton from her and i'm very grateful she's my manager.
9. (speaking of work) gaining perspective at a big company: to also keep this brief (i try not to talk about work too publicly), one of the most unexpected perks of working at a big company is the amount of different people and perspective you're exposed to. going on my APM trip and being able to have intimate conversations with senior leaders at my company and hear their life stories and experiences has made me a lot less anxious about my own path. these are people i highly respect, but have come to learn that they are just as human, and have been through their own version of their lost 20s and whatnot. it's not a singular path to happiness. maybe i'll quit and go backpacking for a few months, maybe i won't have children, maybe i won't even get married until much later in life. who knows. it'll work out.
10. read the kite runner and a thousand splendid suns: just read these. they will make you more human.
11. i am just a girl who loves birthdays: i've always wanted to be one of those people who are like pffft i don't care about my birthday. it's just another day. whatever. but clearly i am not (lol), after celebrating it for a weekend in vegas, then throwing a rager in sf the next. i don't actually care much about getting older, or the cake, or needing to sing happy birthday. i just like using it as an excuse to hang out with friends. it's a super solid reason for them to not flake. i love seeing my people, together.
12. "i don't know what i think until i write it down" - joan didion: this year, i realized that whenever i experience something, emotions come first, before any rational thought or words. i need to take time to dissect and articulate what i feel and think. then, being able to articulate makes me feel understood well by others. i've come to understand how important writing is to me. i hope to do it more next year (as i say every year), and not just when i feel some emotional distress, but more regularly, about various things…
13. a bowl of extra spicy soondubu at purple rice has never, ever let me down: if you ask me to choose where to eat, i will probably choose this place
14. my favorite numbers are prime numbers:
they are made up of nothing but themselves, and that is how i aspire to be : )
small habit i've noticed: whenever i see numbers in the wild, i'm always subconsciously trying to figure out if it's prime or not. shoutout to numbers that end in 3 or 7
15. prioritizing exercise and physical health: this year, i ran a half marathon, got on classpass and started doing pilates/yoga 2-3 times a week for strength/flexibility. IT FEELS SO GOOD!!! it feels so good to just move my body, see it take me far places. in everyday too: jumping for hours at concerts, being able to lift my carry on by myself, walk incredible lengths to tour cities
16. I AM SO YOUNG!!!: around this time last year, i had a lot of anxiety about where my life was headed. i felt like i was so limited in what i could pursue and do because i had already graduated and started down a certain path. this year, after gaining perspective, that changed. i feel so limitless, so excited to try new things year after year. i don't have to accomplish big and great things in the next year, or the year after, or the year after (although i should reach to, always). i will be working until im 60!!! i have a very long life and career ahead of me, and should stop being so hard on myself
17. just finished attack on titan: sorry this one's kinda random, but just finished the last ep after first starting it in high school 6+ years ago and i can't stop thinking about it. don't want to ramble too long, but my biggest reflections from this show are: effects of good leadership, nothing is purely good/bad or right/wrong (yin yang vibes), it really is about the friends you make along the way. send me good eren x mikasa edits pls
18. people are more similar than you think: to be honest, this year i've come to realize that people are just more similar than you think. that quirky trip to poland you took? yeah, many people around you have done that too. niche artist? thousands listen to them too. when it's not interests and experiences that makes people stand out to you, what does? vibes, humor, loyalty, kindness.
related to this - just using SF as an example, i hear so often people bashing the stereotypical SF hobbies. climbing, pottery, hiking, you say any of these words and you're instantly just a "typical person in SF". i don't think it's a bad thing!!!!!!!!! it's okay to like things that other people like too (things are popular for a reason). it just means you have a big community waiting for you to join : )
19. being sober: i spent ~5 months sober this year. i loved waking up everyday and just knowing that my body is at peak performance (lol). night outs were still fun, i was just so much more collected. i do value drunk night outs where random things happen and the plot thickens, so i think my happy balance is to not drink often, but when i do, make sure it is a good time
20. revisit your inner child often: so valuable to revisit who you were, what you wanted, and what you valued before the world threw their opinions at you. to me, this is binging harry potter once every year - reminding myself to fight for good, nothing can be accomplished alone, and to always, always believe in magic
21. "if comparison is the thief of joy, gratitude is how you win it back": just a quote i’ve found to be true🤍
this thought lmfao:
23. so much love: so much love in friendship, experiences and life this year. i'm so grateful i got to experience so much, widen my perspectives and understand there is so much i have to live for
truly, this was not a collection of wisdom, just trying to capture the state of mind of my 23 year old self. there are also so many learnings about myself, career, dating (or rather, giving up on it), etc. that i've learned to keep private over my years on the internet. learned so much this year, and though i'm not completely sure what i'll do with it, i don’t think i have to know. i will just do my best. more and better has always yet to come.
if you have any further thoughts on any of these (even if just a meme), shoot me a reply! i love meeting and chatting with new people, always :)
hoping 2024 is everything you wished for,
cindo 🤍
criminally late to read this as I just got the substack app. great thoughts 👍
re: #1, there’s a Chinese phrase 乐极生悲, which is a similar concept. makes me think how much we actually experience absolute emotions (rather than relative ones derived from comparison)
ur writing never fails to amaze me, love this sm!